Drunk Critic Reviews: The Invasion
Original upload date: 8/24/07
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
A man dressed in a tweed blazer sits slouched down in a cheap computer chair, holding a can of beer. The wall behind him is undecorated, save for a pair of windows on either side of the man. After a moments pause, the man looks up into the camera and begins to talk, speaking through a clearly exaggerated slur.
DRUNK CRITIC
Hey… How’s everyone doin’? I saw “The Invasion”
last night… It ate my fuckin’ balls. I can only
assume the thought process behind this film was
somethin’ like, “Hey, the last three times we
turned this book into a movie all turned out
good, that must mean we don’t even have to try
for the fourth, right?” You can always tell
that a movies gonna be good when it opens up
with a few minutes from near the end of the
movie… Y’know, cause they thought that
otherwise everyone would just walk out halfway
through… It’s not like I can blame ‘em. The
first half hour of the movie is basically just
Nicole Kidman drivin’ er little wiener kid
‘round and ramblin’ about pickles. And even
once that’s over we’ve still gotta get through
another hour of the movie trying to make us
give a shit about the kid. Like, no matter how
scared this kid is, he always manages to find
the time to record a video to send to his mom…
Y’know, since he’s such a boring fuckin’
character they assumed the only way they could
get the audience to care about him is to keep
reminding them he’s a cute little kid.
The critic pauses for a moment to take a gulp of his beer before continuing.
DRUNK CRITIC
Fuck… everything about this movie is boring…
It feels like it was made by pod people.
Christ, the pod people don’t even come from
PODS anymore, they come from a SHITTY CGI
FUNGUS! How do you manage to fuck that up!?!?
The critic is unfathomably angry at this point, wildly gesticulating in an overdramatic manner. His fake slur starts to slip a bit.
DRUNK CRITIC
Wait a minute, I know why they changed it.
It’s cause they couldn’t have Nicole Kidman
Hook up with Daniel Craig at the end if he
Was a desiccated corpse! What a joke! This
is a pointless movie! It has no reason to
exist! In a few months, no one will
remember it exists! You’d be better off
Just watching any of the other
“Bodysnatchers” movies. Hell, you’d be
better off watching any other movie period.
The critic seems to calm down slightly, taking a moment to catch his breath, as well as have another sip of his beer.
DRUNK CRITIC
They got the guy who directed that fucking
Hitler movie in to direct this and they gave
him fucking nothing. They might as well have
given the script to a third grader for how
shit it was. At least then it may have turned
out somewhat interesting.
Sitting up in his chair slightly, the critic stares directly into the camera, pointing at it with his free hand. His voice takes on a slightly more serious tone.
DRUNK CRITIC
Don’t bother at all with this movie. If you’re
someone who as any type of standards for (Cont.)
DRUNK CRITIC (CONT’D)
What they watch, you’re only going to end up
feelin’ cheated outta your time and money. You
heard it from me, so now you have no excuse.
END OF VIDEO
