Drunk Critic Reviews: War
Original upload date: 8/31/07
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – DAY
The critic sits in front of the same wall we saw him film in front of last time. Seeming to be more prepared, he launches into his spiel with nary a moment’s hesitation.
DRUNK CRITIC:
Hey… how’s everyone doin’? Good? That’s good. I
know that I could be doing a whole lot better
though, cause I just got back from seeing “War”
with Jet Li and Jason Statham.
The critic pauses to take a sip of his beer, then continues. A selection of clips culled from the films promotional materials plays over his rant.
DRUNK CRITIC:
Look… I’m not one of those critics that sees
action movies as bein’ below them, I like
action movies. Hell, I’d even go as far to
say that with some more work on the script
and a more capable director, this movie
could’ve turned out alright. Unfortunately,
the movie was directed by someone who’s only
experience behind the camera is with fuckin’ rap
videos, meanin’ the whole thing looks like it was
edited by a retard. The movie can hardly go five
minutes without pullin’ out some flashy transition
or zoom-in that then proceeds to fall completely
on its ass and make you feel like you’re havin’
a stroke. But as nauseating as that is, it quickly
proves itself welcome once you sink your teeth into
the meat of the film and find out it’s nothing but
gristle. I mean Christ, I wasn’t expecting anything
better written than your average PlayStation game, but
DRUNK CRITIC (CONT’D)
I was expecting something less fuckin’ dull.
I mean, you’ve got an opening flashback that’s
fine enough, but once that ends the movie just
moves at a glacial fuckin’ pace for the next
hour and a half. I mean, the ‘ole film is built
around some mob war between the triads and the
yakuza with Jet Li as a hitman playing both sides.
Cut bact to the critic, who leans forward slightly in his chair, his voice beginning to take on an edge of faux-concern.
DRUNK CRITIC
Now, this may sound like an exciting set-up, but
I assure you… what little potential for
entertainment this turd might’ve had completely
vanishes once it becomes clear Jet Li’s the only
person on set treating this like anything other
than a quick paycheck. Statham does an especially
shit job, ’s clear at this point he’s gotten so
used to playin’ the same character in every movie
that the question of “Why would an FBI agent have
an English accent?” never even crossed his mind.
The rest of the cast barely does any better. At
times the performances get so disjointed it’s like
They’re acting in separate rooms from each other.
Not that they were given much to work with, beside
the two leads, everyone seems to be written more
as plot devices than actual characters, meaning
that by the time you reach the motorcycle chase,
set in San Francisco’s infamous “Yakuza District”…
As the critic says the words “Yakuza District”, he makes a set of air quotes with his hands, the derision clear in his voice.
DRUNK CRITIC
…the film feels less like a story and more like
a bunch of loosely connected bullshit that you
don’t care about. It’s like listening to an
especially violent Grampa Simpson story. When the
movie reaches its big twist in the third act, it
DRUNK CRITIC (CONT’D)
comes off like the writer desperately trying to make
it seem as if there was a point to the movie beside
being an excuse for a bunch of underwhelming fight
scenes.
His anger growing, the critic leans forward in his chair slightly and wipes some sweat off his forehead before continuing.
DRUNK CRITIC
Frankly, they shouldn’t’ve even fuckin’ tried.
At least then I’d be out of the theater 30
minutes earlier instead of watching the thrilling
“marriage problems” subplot that’s completely
irrelevant to everything else going on in
the movie. What a fuckin’ hack job! It’s a
miracle this piece of shit even made it to
theaters. It’s the type of movie cable channels
play at like, 2AM, when they know hardly anyone’s
watching. You’d be better off waiting to see it
then instead wasting your money on a ticket.
I should know, I bought one.
END OF VIDEO