i spent new year's eve 2019 at a party my older cousin was holding at my grandmothers house. she was in the early stages of dementia and had been recently transferred into hospice care, meaning that we had the whole place to ourselves. me, her, and a handful of her friends had arrived at the house at around 8 in the afternoon, they had brought a few bottles of liquor with them to liven up the occasion, but i'd decided not to partake since I was still underaged at the time and was worried about my parents finding out. we had gathered around in the living room to kill time while waiting for a few other guests to arrive, and somehow the conversation turned to the topic of star wars. i bluntly stated that I found the latest films in the series to have been shit, only to be met with a near unanimous "let people enjoy" things response from the other party guests. not wanting to cause a scene this early into the party, I quickly changed the topic and threw some music on the wireless speaker i'd brought with me.

eventually, the other guests arrived, among them being a woman a few years older than me dressed in a gothic outfit complete with dyed bangs and a pair of tall black leather boots she proudly referred to as her "nazi-stompers" in a desperate attempt to come off as more rebellious than she really was. even at the time I could tell the extent of her resistance would likely only go as far as zinging someone on twitter or spitting in a rednecks food at dairy queen, but I once again bit my tongue and remained silent. i'd barely known most of the people there anyway, and i didn't want to leave a bad impression by calling her a phony in front of everyone.

the next few hours leading up to midnight went by at an agonizing pace, not helped by the fact i was the only person in the house who was sober. a few attempts were made as a group to start party games, all of which were abandoned within a few minutes in favor of listening to someone tell a rambling story about their crackhead roommate, who everyone agreed should probably be in prison. at one point it was discovered that my grandmother's hideous 70s puke green toilet was no longer flushing, leading to a good half-an-hour being spent worrying about any possible repercussions we might face for breaking the toilet before someone managed to fix the mechanism.

after what seemed to be a small eternity, we'd all gathered in the dining and turned on the tv so we could watch the ball drop. we all counted down the last seconds of the year in tandem, blissfully unaware of how much of a complete and utter shitshow the following year would turn out to be. afterward, my cousin asked everyone to share their new years resolution. i couldn't come up with anything, so I just made up some bullshit about how new years resolutions are pointless because no one ever follows through with them, which seemed to do the trick. there was some more chatting and general pleasantries as guests began to trickle out the door, but by that point, I had long since been mentally checked out, and at some point I slipped away into one of the bedrooms without telling anyone and fell asleep.

i spent new year's eve (or was it christmas?) 2022 at another party held by my cousin, this time at her apartment in minneapolis. it was my first time there, and I distinctly remember being surprised at how roomy it seemed, even when split between two people. enough time had passed since the last party that I could now legally drink (at least in canada), and id brought a 24 pack of miller lite with me as a party favor. after setting the beer down and chatting with the guests for a while, i'd realized it was only 4:30 in the evening and I already felt moments away from passing out. getting up from my spot on the couch, I made my way over to the gas station across the street to purchase a can of monster.

around 6 hours later, I was standing in the apartment's kitchenette, half-listening to a guest who had recently begun transitioning describe the vaginoplasty procedure in graphic detail. i grimaced as I took a sip of my beer, less because of the subject matter and more due to the fact that my cousin had no room in the fridge, forcing the beer to spend all day sitting out on the countertop growing tepid. despite this, I was eager enough to avoid being the only sober person in the room again that I was already on my fifth can of the night. not that it helped much, maybe my expectations were just poisoned by the last new year's party sucking, but I was finding myself growing increasingly starved for entertainment.

none of this was helped by the fact the number of guests my cousin had invited was at least double the number she had the last time, leaving the apartment cramped and unseasonably warm. the goth from last party took a pipe and some weed out of her pocket and asked if anyone wanted to go outside and get high with her, I considered the offer, but ultimately turned it down, figuring i'd be better off having my first time be somewhere familiar. at one point my cousin had turned on the tv and started playing baby sensory videos for a cheap laugh, which she continued trying to milk for a good half-hour after everyone else had gotten over it. eventually, most of the guests had left, save for me and about 6 other people who were planning on crashing in the living room. fortunately, my cousin was kind enough to let me have the couch, on account of the fact that we were related.

the next morning, after i'd gotten out of the shower, I exited the bathroom and found my cousin and the remaining guests gathered around the tv watching softcore gay porn. i asked what they were doing and my cousin claimed that it was something they did all the time when they hung out. i didn't have any way to refute this so I reluctantly sat down on the ground and joined in. though I was mostly worried about what my mother would be thinking if she knew this was how I was spending new year's morning, I admittedly found the situation pretty amusing. a few hours passed before we drove back out of the city in a run-down toyota that'd belonged to one of the guests. tmbg's "lincoln" was playing over the stereo as she passed the time by telling us about a road trip she'd taken to new orleans over the summer and how every time she stopped for gas she was scared she'd get lynched.

eventually, we made it back to my aunt's house, where i'd been staying for the duration of my visit to the states. me and my cousin walked in and I saw my parents sitting on the couch watching some flash-in-the-pan netflix drama that would probably be forgotten within 6 months. my mother looked up at me with a smile and asked me how the party was. i said it was fine.

I spent new year's eve 2023 getting high by myself.